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the years of smoking cigarettes
left the voice graveled, yet honed.
but you have to go through the tar,
to get stoned

annie blue wrote:the years of smoking cigarettes
left the voice graveled, yet honed.
but you have to go through the tar,
to get stoned

rhythm, rhythm, rhythm. even more important when you have a good idea so may I very politely suggest that you go revise and rhythmise and return with something like

the years of smoking cigarettes
the years of getting stoned
he had to tar the gravel first
to get his voice so honed

you may. but i like it my way

yours is too pom de pom de pom for me. it wasn't meant to be like that. i just heard it in my head and wanted to see it written down. thanks though

annie blue wrote:you may. but i like it my way

no absolute right or wrong but my view of yours is that the last line is a mile and a half too short. just read it! the first 3 lines don't work in rhythm to my taste, but the last is just an abrupt drop as if you have hurried or you have run out of energy or imagination.

annie blue wrote:you may. but i like it my way

yours is too pom de pom de pom for me. it wasn't meant to be like that. i just heard it in my head and wanted to see it written down. thanks though

oh yes, it is indeed la di pom etc. (although I quite like the tar and gravel connection) and may be nothing like what you want but take yours, keep the tone you want, but sort that rhythm!!!

say the word tar, take a breath then the last line. slowly. say it with a smile in your voice. like you've got away with something. it's not meant to be perfect. i don't believe in editing (did i just say that?) i's just how it was born. not meant to be 'rhythm' just a statement of sorts.

now that desn't make sense to me so god knows how you'll read it

....and my rhythm is just fine thank you

annie blue wrote:....and my rhythm is just fine thank you

no idea what rhythm to which you refer (or reefer). "don't believe in editing" is just plain silly.

here's another version. I don't like it at all but it's closer to your starting one

years of dragging cigarettes
left a voice gravelled yet honed
fighting through the tar
left a man travelled yet stoned

you're right of course which is why said 'did i just say that?'. sometimes i think people hear things differently in their head and when someone reads it without hearing what the writer hears - i'm waffling now aren't i? - it doesn't always make sense.

how many times have you heard someone read a poem 'incorrectly'.

any road up, thanks mr one. comments appreciated.

off to the land of nod for me zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

this poem is a bad one
it really should be honed.
but wait, i've found some rizlas!
perhaps i'll just get stoned.......

ta da!

annie blue wrote:this poem is a bad one
it really should be honed.
but wait, i've found some rizlas!
perhaps i'll just get stoned.......

ta da!

this rizla is a bad one
it really should be cursed
but wait I've found a poem
and that is even versed

late nights and mojitas
force me now to bed.
all that rum,
no good for one
and makes my brown eyes red

I've smoked your cigarillos
I've sucked your bubbling bong
My voice is clear as windows
and none of this is wrong

the ciggies made me sicky
the bongy got me stoned
my voice once got me pocket change
although it wasn't honed

I've sung in smoky barrooms
I've sung the stoner's song
now I just sing lullabies
to one who sings along

(3 min, 22 sec)

Manna wrote: I've sucked your dangling dong
for
3 min, 22 sec

what the **** does that first line of yours mean, Manna? It sounds mega rude and I am disappointed by its crudosity.

Did you steal crudosity from me???? That's an Annie word! Where did you get it? I'm sure I never left it lying around?

Manna, we ladies know what you mean