sucky poem thing

[Kit Kat]

White lines
. . . . . . . . bounce
off the road

100 miles left
to home

where a porch light
has been left on,
where a man sleeping
beside a radio

the car radio is playing a poem
I'd change it,
but the dial broke long ago.

Soon enough
I'll be heading up wooden steps
to lie beside my warm one
who'll wrap his arms around me







Revision

The Road Between

White dotted lines jump off the road
that still has 100 miles left to it.
I lift fingers to nose, Ivory soap
and you. Car headlights wiz by.
Breathing in deeply, your fragrance arouses
my senses, pushes aside tired, while the radio
sings of a poem we once fell into.

I’m missing you; I’m missing home.
This road is where I fit, driving in-between.
Speeding to you, then rolling home
to where the porch light is on, and stairs
wait to take me to my warm one, whose arms
will wrap around me as I tuck my nose
into my hands and fall asleep to your scent.


originally posted

The Road Between

I’m driving home, it’s late.
White dotted lines are jumping.
I lift my hand to my nose. Ivory
soap and you. Car headlights, wiz past.
I breathe in deeply, your aroma awakens me.
Leonard Cohen’s playing on the radio,
well not Leonard, it’s a cover,
but it reminds me of the first
time we read the lovers.

Coffee slops out of my cup,
I’m missing you; I’m missing home,
where I know I don’t belong. This road
is where I fit. Driving in-between, speeding
in one direction, ambling back in the other, to
a lit porch light and a dark house. Where I will
crawl in beside the warm one, whose arms
will wrap around me, tuck my nose into
my hands and fall asleep to your scent.

[mickey_one]

The poem is not too bad and the idea of the road between is good but how about some revisions. The opening line is just too dull and you may lose the casual reader already. Which way is the speeding, is it to your lover because you can't wait to be with him, or to your partner because you don't want to be found out? If the other cars wiz past it suggests you are slow on the way back. But not “ambling” please, that’s for legs not wheels. The idea that the aroma “awakens” you distracts me with images of you asleep at the wheel about to crash. I doubt that’s the image for which you were aiming. What is the “lovers”? If it’s a Leonard Cohen piece, it needs a Capital. The lover/cover rhyme is so trite in any event. “Cup” rather than “the cup” is strangely pretentious. Explain why you miss home where you don't belong, just stating it is too easy. “Lit porch light” doesn't work for me at all. Describing one’s partner as “the warm one” is odd as well, is he merely warm in contrast to your hot lover? I like the idea of your poor betrayed partner snuggling your body whilst you secretly inhale your lover, ah, the sweet smell of infidelity- what a turn-on.

[Kit Kat]

The poem is not too bad and the idea of the road between is good but how about some revisions. The opening line is just too dull and you may lose the casual reader already. Which way is the speeding, is it to your lover because you can't wait to be with him, or to your partner because you don't want to be found out? If the other cars wiz past it suggests you are slow on the way back. But not “ambling” please, that’s for legs not wheels. The idea that the aroma “awakens” you distracts me with images of you asleep at the wheel about to crash. I doubt that’s the image for which you were aiming. What is the “lovers”? If it’s a Leonard Cohen piece, it needs a Capital. The lover/cover rhyme is so trite in any event. “Cup” rather than “the cup” is strangely pretentious. Explain why you miss home where you don't belong, just stating it is too easy. “Lit porch light” doesn't work for me at all. Describing one’s partner as “the warm one” is odd as well, is he merely warm in contrast to your hot lover? I like the idea of your poor betrayed partner snuggling your body whilst you secretly inhale your lover, ah, the sweet smell of infidelity- what a turn-on.

Thank you, I appreciate you reading and taking the time for such a detailed response. You have been very helpful, many of your suggestions I will use, the only one I found odd is "cup".
You find it pretentious to own a cup? Perhaps you're a communist...

As I would hate to be thought of as pretentious, I am considering changing the line.
Coffee slops out of the cup which I respect as its own independent of me, receptacle of beverages.

I've already started with revision. I'll just post what I have so far above and come back to it again after some time has passed.

[mickey_one]

Thank you, I appreciate you reading and taking the time for such a detailed response. You have been very helpful, many of your suggestions I will use, the only one I found odd is "cup".
You find it pretentious to own a cup? Perhaps you're a communist...

As I would hate to be thought of as pretentious, I am considering changing the line.
Coffee slops out of the cup which I respect as its own independent of me, receptacle of beverages.

seriously weird of me, I swore it said "slops out of cup", it was the lack of the definite thingy that I thought was pretentious, now I read it and it says "my cup", so it was my reading, that's all. your revised version "Coffee slops out of the cup which I respect as its own independent of me, receptacle of beverages." is a great improvement

Comrade Michael